Women: Stand Your Ground

When we hear about the “work-life balance” problem, we don’t think about a group of men sitting in a circle brainstorming ways they can succeed at work while having fulfilling personal relationships.  Yet, the issue has been explored, rejected, re-framed and revived time and again in the context of women’s career choices.  Granted, there are known obstacles to women achieving gender equality across professions.  But do we also contribute to our own problem by not knowing how and when to stand our ground?

I’ve had the pleasure of working with highly effective partners, both male and female; I’ve also drawn the short end of the stick on more than one occasion and have been thrown under the bus by both male and female superiors.  But I’ve observed a key difference between male and female leadership styles.  The male partners and senior associates I’ve worked with command respect from more junior colleagues by standing their ground.  They have no qualms about giving associates a project due by 9 am the next day at 10 pm.  They leave the office at 7 pm to make a dinner appointment while their associates work on turning around an urgent assignment.  They announce that they have family plans on Saturday afternoon and will need to review your draft by no later than 10 am.

The women, on the other hand, have had to earn respect by going out of their way to show how smart, dedicated and hardworking they are.  In other words, whereas males come as they are, females strive to prove themselves to those above and below them, and often, to their peers. Thus, female partners roll up their sleeves and pull all-nighters with their associates.  They apologize for emergency projects and ask if their associates have time to help them.  They don’t think twice about canceling dinner plans and insist that they would not be where they are if it were not for their willingness to make sacrifices.  They work through family vacations, marking up briefs in an amusement park, all for the sake of being able to say that they can do it all (and making the client happy, of course).

Whose expectations are women trying to meet when they bend over backwards at the expense of their personal lives?  Have males in the profession held women to a higher standard?  Or, could it be, that women have created this impossible standard for themselves?

I was one of those junior associates that jumped every time my Blackberry lit up.  I’ve left the table at Sunday brunch with my family to get on a conference call in the car.  I’ve cancelled countless dinners and trips for work.  I’ve missed many birthdays, bridal showers and weddings. I even volunteered to work the day of my own bridal shower.  Why?  Because that’s the example I’ve seen from my female mentors.

And maybe that’s really what it took for them to get to where they are.  But I wonder, what would happen if they, like their male counterparts, just stood their ground?  What if they just handed out an assignment and said that they need to leave the office to have dinner with their husbands and will review when they get home?  What if they simply stated that they have a spa appointment on Saturday that they don’t want to miss?  What if, instead of waiting at their desks for a draft that was coming at 4 am, they went home and reviewed from bed?  Would we think less of their abilities as attorneys?  Would we respect them less as leaders?

More importantly, what would our views say about us?

Do we excuse and accept male behaviors in the workplace too easily?  When a male senior associate declares that he cannot work all weekend because his wife is out of town, we laugh it off as typical helpless male behavior.  We suck it up and cover for him.  But if a female senior associate were to say the same thing (and she would not), we would take her less seriously, wouldn’t we?  We would assume that she is not as committed to her career as the rest of us.  Or is that just her irrational fear?

I, too, readily accepted this double standard until a recent interaction with a male junior on my case.  One Friday afternoon, I called him to announce that we had an emergency project and that he needed to get me a draft by that night so I could revise and meet our Saturday afternoon deadline.  “I’m on my way to catch a train to Philly,” he replied.  “I can work on it on the train, but might not get it to you until tomorrow morning.  I also cannot work on it after noon tomorrow because I am visiting friends.”  And that was that.

He got me a draft that was polished and needed little editing by the following morning as promised.  Did I think he was less competent?  No.  Did I think he was lazy?  No, he just had commitments.  Did I lose respect for him?  No–in fact, I respected him more after this episode.

So, many years and countless missed dinners, birthdays, weddings and vacations later, I, too, decided to stand my ground.  I say no to assignments when I don’t have time.  I announce (not ask for permission) when I can’t work late nights or weekends.  I leave the office early when I really have nothing to do.   I don’t know if this takes me off the track toward achieving great heights in my career, but this is my way of breaking barriers (and keeping myself sane).

Things Biglaw Associates are Thankful for on Thanksgiving

We all know that holidays are to Biglaw as wings are to pigs.  How many Thanksgivings, Christmas Days and Fourth of Julys have we spent drafting briefs, putting in last minute edits to memos or reviewing documents to be produced the day after the holiday?  On this Thanksgiving, we thank you, Biglaw, for all the things you’ve done to make our lives easier.

1. Citrix – so we can “work from home” the day before Thanksgiving and make sides and desserts as we frantically field “urgent” emails.  Or if we’re less fortunate, so we can “work from home” on Thanksgiving Day, with our laptops next to the mashed potatoes; at least chatty Aunt Sally gets the hint that we’re busy and talks someone else’s ears off.
2. The Cafeteria – so we can have the semblance of Thanksgiving  even if we can’t make it home–complete with dry turkey, butter-soaked mashed potatoes, one big lump of macaroni and cheese and even pumpkin pie (not as good as Mom’s pie, but let’s not be spoiled).  Of course, the cafeteria is closed on Thanksgiving day, so if you’re smart, you bought two entrees yesterday and kept one in the office fridge to enjoy at your desk.
3. Reprographics – so we can have that 80-page brief on the Partner’s desk first thing in the morning the day after Thanksgiving, even as we are traveling back to the office from visiting (taken loosely to mean  making a 4-hour cameo for Thanksgiving dinner) our families.
4. Car Service – so we can have that 80-page brief delivered to the Partner’s aunt’s home instead (she doesn’t have a fax machine) because s/he failed to mention that s/he actually won’t be going into the office the day after Thanksgiving.  But it’s great that you’re there!  Maybe you can get a headstart on that reply brief (just anticipate what the Adversary’s arguments are going to be and address them. Duh.  No, it can’t wait until the other side actually files their brief, silly.)
5. Blackberries – so we can answer emails anytime, anywhere.  In church giving thanks to the powers above who answered your prayers for this job?  No worries, that’s what the vibrate setting is for. 

“I’m a woman…”

“I’m a woman, I know how to handle myself. I know what I feel comfortable doing and I know my sexuality.”
-Cameron Diaz

via HuffingtonPost

No Damsel in Distress

“How was the convention,” asked my (male) Partner mentor this morning as we rode in a car to a client meeting.  “Great,” I replied, and elaborated on the speeches that reinvigorated me, the panels I attended and, of course, the in-house connections I’d made.  We brainstormed pitch ideas and I thought, how fortunate I am to work with men who truly care about advancing my career.   How wonderful it was to be treated as an equal.

We arrived at the client’s office and waited for the adversary and his counsel.  The Partner and the Client went on in great detail about the criminal allegations against the Adversary.  And then, in the middle of jokes about how notorious the Adversary was, the Partner confessed: “In all honesty, you could have handled this meeting.  But I wasn’t going to send you in to meet with a criminal.”

But you hired me as an attorney for a job that involves dealing with criminals.  I did not realize that being an associate meant being a babysitting charge.  Let me clarify: being a female associate.

And then I began to wonder how many opportunities have I missed out on because I am a female?  Have I been shielded?  Given only “safe” adversaries and clients? How has this impacted my career?

I wonder, if given a choice between a 6’2″ woman and a 5’2″ man, who would a Partner send to interview an adversary facing criminal charges?  By the way, the Partner is only 3 inches taller than me at most.  I was wearing 3-inch heels (my comfortable walking shoes, of course).  So that makes us the same height.  I go to bootcamp regularly.  I am guessing the Partner does not .   The home I grew up in was surrounded by projects within a half mile radius.  The Partner grew up in the suburbs of the Midwest.  I think I can handle myself.

I understand the concern and I appreciate the aversion to ending up on the front page of the news for sending in an associate to be mauled by a big, bad Adversary.  But really, women are tougher than you give us credit for.

Walking into a Glass Wall

This year’s NAPABA convention theme was “Reaching Monumental Heights.”  Throughout the three-day marathon of CLE sessions, award ceremonies and networking events, we were inspired by living examples of those that have reached monumental heights in various areas of the law: government, in-house, Biglaw, the judiciary.

Senator Mazie Hirono spoke about being a first generation immigrant, her struggles integrating in a new society and her ultimate triumph of being elected as the first woman Senator of Asian descent.  She expressed her pride in being a part of a country that gave immigrants like herself the opportunity to rise to one of the highest offices a public official can serve and urged us to keep striving for perfection.

Justice Sotomayor related stories of her humble beginnings in the Bronx, raised by a single mother who sacrificed everything so that her daughter could strive for monumental heights.  And when an appointment for the highest judicial office was before Justice Sotomayor, she recalled her mother’s admonition about her duty to fellow minorities:  “When you’re a person of color, you don’t have a choice. You have an obligation to go as far as you can, to take your career as high as you can, to lead and lift your community.”  Justice Sotomayor then urged us to draw strength from where we come, to anchor ourselves to our beginnings and, informed and enlightened by our roots, to reach for the greatest heights in our careers.

An immigrant, a woman, and a person of color, I rose to my feet at the end of these speeches, empowered and invigorated, ready to conquer the upcoming challenges in the next stage of my own budding career.  Wow, I thought, why had I waited so long to get involved in minority organizations?

And then it happened.  I walked into the glass wall.  He was general counsel at some big-name company.  “Excuse me, are you Ms. America?”  He asked.  “No, I am a litigator at [insert law firm here],”  I answered matter-of-factly.  “Well, I bet you’ve never lost a case,” he persisted, as he held the handshake a few seconds too long.  Of course I have, but I wasn’t going to get into it.  “Meet us in the backroom at Lima.  Tell them you’re with [insert whatever his sleazy name was].”  I pulled my hand away.  “It was a pleasure to meet you,” I said as I quickly made my exit.

Moments later, I ran into another GC who I’d heard speak on a panel.  He, too, told a story of struggles as an immigrant and a slow but steady rise.  I shook his hand and congratulated him on an inspiring message.  “What do I have to do to work with someone as stunning as you?”  was his reply.

I shook it off and moved on to network with others.  I was not going to let a couple of inappropriate comments stop me from meeting great people and making connections.  But something in my gut won’t let me let these episodes go.

In an event geared at empowering minorities and encouraging each other to reach monumental heights, and in an organization that fights to achieve equality for women, what place did comments like these have?  I am sure I’m not the only one who has encountered this.  I wasn’t the first and I know, unfortunately, that I won’t be the last.  Is this just the norm?  Do women attend these conventions expecting to be objectified and suck it up for the sake of networking?

If so, then what is the point?  What is the point of telling us we can break through the glass ceiling if everywhere we turn, there is a glass wall in our way?  What is the point of mentoring and sponsorship, of promoting women, if in the end, we only tear them down by reducing them to eye candy?  How dare you call yourself a leader of this organization when you continually push the very members this organization is meant to promote down a rung on the ladder with each chauvinist comment?

This isn’t about feminism and I am not another angry woman who can’t take a compliment.  But I’ve been raised to believe that there is a time and place for everything.  I’ve taken care to act and appear professional at all times.  I made sure my dress was by no means revealing and I insisted on buying my own drinks at the cash bar.  We are, after all, at a legal convention, not a club (and as you’ll notice, I gave you no impression that I will be joining you at the backroom of some club so that you can further blur the lines of professionalism in the haze of loud music and alcohol).  I’ve done my part.  Men, please do yours.   Nowhere during a professional networking event would a woman approach a man and say, “Are you a Chippendales dancer?”

In a recent interview, when asked about her favorite designers, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton shot back, “Would you ask a man that question?”

Men of the legal profession, I hold you to a higher standard.  I ask you, before you speak, to ask yourselves, “would you say that to a man?”

Only when you stop being the glass walls in our paths can we truly break through the glass ceiling.